In his monthly column, our resident therapist & coach James Jackson, helps navigate the complexities of opening a long-term relationship while managing jealousy & staying true to your own needs.
Hi James,
My girlfriend and I are currently navigating relationship issues, and it’s starting to affect my work and general mental health. We’ve been together for nine years, and we’ve been talking about opening our relationship to have a more diverse sex life. We’ve already been to couples counselling, and the therapist we saw seemed to agree that it might be a healthy option for us. We joined some dating apps and agreed on some ground rules. I discovered that certain guys she chatted with on the apps are now following her on Instagram, and she kept that from me. I want to confront her about it, but I’m also trying to contain my jealousy and open up to a polyamorous life. To be honest, it’s tough—she seems fine, but I am not. Any suggestions on how to manage my thoughts and feelings would be much appreciated.
Thanks,
Michael
Dear Michael,
It’s taken vulnerability to write to me on this topic, and vulnerability is courage—the best kind!
Intimacy, sex, commitment, desire, and needs—these subjects are never static. Over time, in a relationship, finding a meeting ground with one’s partner can be difficult. I think it’s great that you sought couples counselling. Many obstacles can be overcome by sitting down with a professional. There are several aspects we need to unpack in your situation.
Needs & Desires
There is no shame in wanting to live and explore a healthy sex life. Often, in these situations, the suggestion to open the relationship is predominantly driven by one of the partners. In your case, I have the impression that your partner is the initiator.
We often think of sex in terms of needs rather than desire. It’s easy to fall into an agreement based on a intention to honour a partner’s needs rather than a genuine desire to open up sexual practices within the relationship. My first suggestion for you is to take a moment and retrace the conversations.
Questions you can ask yourself are:
- Do I desire an open relationship?
- Is it a desire or a need?
- Is there more to be gained for both of us by doing this?
- If I don’t do it, what might be the consequences?
A simple cost-benefit analysis of the situation can help clarify and reset intentions. If this is something you do not feel intuitively comfortable with, then perhaps it’s not the right fit for you. On the contrary, if this is something you deeply desire but find yourself uncomfortable with letting go of old ideas, then the work required is very different.
First things first: get clear on what YOU want.
Me, You, & Us
The holy trinity of a healthy relationship is the Me, You, and Us. You must see these as three separate islands in an archipelago. Each island can prosper and flourish in a perfectly harmonised environment, provided that each island:
1. Has its own resources,
2. Is largely self-sustaining, and
3. Contributes equally to the sustenance and splendour of the third island (the relationship).
Looking at your situation through the lens of this analogy can be quite telling. If one of the principal islands is putting more resources into the third island and is also worried that, by not doing so, the resources on the second island will diminish, it puts your island under a great deal of pressure. This creates unnecessary, unfair, and unbalanced stress.
Honesty & Intention
Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. In a 2023 study by Sacks and Sacks Law, extramarital affairs accounted for 60% of those divorces.
What is honourable in your case is that the subject has been brought to the table and you’ve sought counselling. Vulnerability and honesty are essential to make this work, and frankly, it’s the most intelligent approach if you want the relationship to succeed.
What is paradoxical, however, is that your partner is already displaying dishonest behaviour. Not informing you of her full intentions, hiding information, and straying from agreed-upon rules will not help you gain the confidence you need to turn this into something mutually beneficial. I think it’s essential to challenge her on this aspect.
Full disclosure is a brilliant tool, but it must remain ‘on’ all the time. It cannot be used frivolously or whimsically. See it more as a modus operandi than just a communication tool.
Extra reading
Here’s some extra reading that could be useful to you. The first book is one I have cited to clients in the past and carries a weight of insight and tips.
• The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt: This book delves into the principles and practices of consensual non-monogamy, offering guidance on navigating multiple relationships ethically.
• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino: Taormino explores various styles of open relationships, providing practical advice for those considering or practicing non-monogamy.
• Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits by Deborah M. Anapol: Anapol discusses the philosophy and practice of polyamory, offering insights into building sustainable intimate relationships.
If you want to check out some sources that are more academic:
- “A scoping review of research on polyamory and consensual non‐monogamy: Implications for a more inclusive family science” by Shivangi Gupta (2024): This review evaluates and synthesizes 209 research studies about polyamory and consensual non-monogamy, highlighting trends in research design.
- “The Distinctiveness of Polyamory” by Luke Brunning (2018): Published in the Journal of Applied Philosophy, this paper examines what sets polyamory apart from other forms of consensual non-monogamy.
- “Consensual Nonmonogamy: Psychological Well-Being and Relationship Quality Correlates” by Alicia N. Rubel and Anthony F. Bogaert (2015): This study, featured in the Journal of Sex Research, investigates the psychological and relational outcomes associated with consensual non-monogamy.
What you are feeling is perfectly natural, Michael. Desire and needs are two dialects of the same language. Sometimes they entangle and are further veiled and complicated by ego, judgement, and morals.
My advice is to put yourself first, protect yourself, and then manage the third island. Above all, remember that you are under no obligation to mirror your partner’s wishes. You have the power to object if your desires no longer align.
You are also free to explore this and have fun with it—if it’s what you truly want.
I hope this helps, Michael. Take care.
James
Do you have a question or concern that you’d like to share with James? Please submit it by email to askjames@brainmindandbody.com
Any advice provided in ‘Ask James’ is intended for informational and general guidance purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or legal services. Readers are encouraged to consult a licensed professional for personalised advice or treatment specific to their situation. All letters are anonymised to protect privacy unless explicit consent is provided to include identifiable details. By submitting a question, you agree to its potential publication in anonymised form, unless you explicitly request otherwise. Advice is offered within the scope of James’ expertise, and all health-related claims are verified with credible sources to ensure accuracy. If your submission is selected for publication, you will be notified by email before it is published. Due to the volume of submissions, we cannot guarantee a response to every letter. However, priority will be given to topics that resonate with a broad audience of readers.
