A challenge mindset
I set about every day doing the next thing I couldn’t do. I figured that would give me a constant goal and clear progress. This fitted with my main goal but also gave me the ability to constantly change my daily application of that goal in response to the situation and level of recovery I found myself in. I wouldn’t be left thinking, “oh I did that so what do I do now?”. I was always aiming to master the next thing I couldn’t do. When I couldn’t sit, I would try to sit. When I could sit, I would try to stand etc.
In my personal life I had always leaned into the feeling that “manifestation” was real. That if you were to put out into the world what you wanted to achieve, (be that a job or a goal or even on a cellular level in your own body), just by saying it to someone or writing it down and then setting about achieving it, it would massively increase the chances of that eventually happening. By chance it was a notion that the world of science seemed to be slowly agreeing with too. Even UK TV had started showing the effects of what they and many still call, “placebo”, the power of your mind to alter your reality, health, and happiness. They broadcast a special from UK illusionist, Derren Brown, in which he took people with hay-fever into a fake clinical trial, telling them they were to take a new drug that cured hay-fever and watched as their lifelong symptoms vanished, for good. All because they believed that the sugar pill they were taking was curative.
These stories of placebo were nestled deep in my conscious mind. However, it wasn’t a “placebo” doing this to them. Their own minds were changing their cellular reality.
I decided that placebo was “conscious intention”, manifestation by a different name, and I never looked back. It fitted my goals and beliefs so perfectly I’d wager conscious intention became a core tenant of my personality.
(I since discovered more research in the Wim Hof Method alluding to the power of your mind to control your body on a cellular level along with other previously thought autonomic systems. Wayne State University did a study on Wim Hof proving how he could influence his internal systems to maintain his body heat with only his mind, his conscious intention. No exercises, just thinking and telling your body what you want it to do).
I was very lucky in that I had the perfect storm of circumstance to cultivate that willpower mindset. It seemed to me a glaringly obvious truth I had until now, somehow, overlooked.
Great. So you have that, but what now?
Take a step…
Has your leg ever gone dead and without knowing it? Have you stood up only to fall straight back down again? That was where I was at in this moment in my story. Let me explain.
I’d been in various hospitals fighting my bodily paralysis for over a month but as I sat there a strange feeling fell over my face like butter melting in a pan. I felt my face drop, in seconds. What had happened was the muscles on my left side of my face had become paralysed with facial palsy. My face had joined my body. This can happen with my condition but at the time it wasn’t even on my radar of possibility. It threw an immediate spanner in the works of my self-imposed recovery.
I felt it happen, I couldn’t stop it and now it was gone. I had the profound sense that I was at rock bottom. I felt helpless. It doesn’t seem like the start of a rousing mental journey leading to taking my first step to recovery, but it was. In that moment all I could think was I need to be alone and I need to shower. So, I wheeled myself to the hospital bathroom and manoeuvred myself into the disabled seat beneath the shower head.
I knew intellectually that my eye lid was now paralysed but my body hadn’t processed that the reflexive action of closing your eyes before water pours into them would also be gone. So, I turned on the tap and looked up as litres of water gushed into my open left eye. I quickly recoiled, my eye stinging. It was then I broke down, crying alone in the hospital shower. I’d tried over the last month to keep going, to move as best I could and push through this thing but now, faced with the “loss” of my face as I saw it, I finally felt defeated.
I’d love to claim that it was my deep knowledge of Lao-Tzu that told me in that moment to “take a step”. But it was much more millennial than that. It was Jack and Kate from ABC show “Lost”. The good “Lost” before season 4. The “Lost” that had you coming back every week. The paradigm shifting piece of television that got the world talking. Before it got the world annoyed and lamenting.
