…On Your Own Terms
Summer is just around the corner and for many, this is when they take the most time off work for the entire year. For those with kids, this is also a time where, for two months at least, they have to keep their children occupied. Whether or not this configuration echoes yours, most of us will take some holidays at some point in the summer months and this brings up a number of things to consider. Namely, what do you do and with whom.
Unless you’re amongst the type of people going about their holidays totally solo, in most cases holiday time involves a partner, spouse, kids, family, in-laws, friends or pets. In other words: not just you, but you and other people who each have their own needs, desires and expectations for a holiday which they’ve long awaited for and probably saved up for too. Unless you’re really lucky, these needs and expectations may diverge and, more specifically, differ from yours.
So the first invitation here is to reflect upon the following questions:
- What do I want this summer / holiday?
- What do I need?
- What’s most important to me?
- What is true quality time for me?
- What’s a great summer / holiday for me? How do I know?
- What did my best ever summer holiday look like? Why? What did I do? Where was I? With whom? How did I feel?
- What did my worst ever summer holiday look like? Why? What did I do? Where was I? With whom? How did I feel?
The idea is to be really honest with yourself with your answers, knowing that you don’t have to show this to anyone. Also you don’t have to do it in one sitting. Said differently, for your own benefit, take your time and the opportunity to really dig into this. Next, find out the answers to these questions from the people you’re planning to spend time with. So imagine you’re going away for three weeks with your partner and your kids. Invite everyone to do the exercise or a version of it beforehand.
Here is why.
- You want to know and understand what they really care about, what they want and what their expectations are.
- You want them, their needs and yours to feel heard and acknowledged.
- You want to be able to assess how this aligns, or not, with what you and any other parties want, and identify if there are already some mismatches.
- You want to be able to address whatever emerges and maybe manage expectations.
- Ideally, you want to have the conversation before the holiday, not during.
To the “no way” thought that might pop up right here and now, let’s offer the following question: what’s the cost of not doing the above? In fact it’s high.
Though everyone’s needs aren’t going to be the same, nor are they all going to be met, there is tremendous value in every individual having a chance to express themselves, be heard and for everyone to have an open conversation. It’s not about making a big deal of it, nor is it about summoning a high court family meeting. It’s about making sure everyone is being considered and feel like they matter. Fair enough right?
Imagine you’re inviting people for dinner and it’s the first time you host them. You’d probably message them prior to the event to ask if they have any dietary requirements, allergies, or a big no no food wise. It’s no different here. Except that the stakes are higher.
To be clear, the point of having the conversation isn’t to compromise and sacrifice nor is it to impose. Rather, it’s about what can be accommodated and arranged so that everyone has some of their core needs taken into account and not dismissed. This isn’t possible if no one says anything. Everyone’s needs must be part of the equation (especially in the context of family holidays with kids). Dismissing one’s needs (yours or your partner or your kids) is a recipe for things to back fire and for grudges.
Let’s say you follow the above recommendation and you get clarity as to what everyone is hoping for this summer holiday. If you don’t have plans already, this is great because you can collectively move ahead with planning in light of what’s feasible (financially, geographically, etc.) and what will have been discussed and unearthed from everyone sharing. If however you already have plans. Two ways from here. Hopefully, it’s a good fit for everyone. But it may not be. You may have opened up to your partner that the traditional yearly week with the in-laws, his/her siblings and the kids’ cousins, is something you dread and really don’t want to do anymore. Your partner may confess to you that your friend from childhood who joins you in your rental every year and never participates or contributes to anything, isn’t something they want to put up with.
Your kids might tell you that it used to be fun to spend a month with their grandparents but now they’d rather be with their friends. You might recognise that you usually love sporty vacations, with lots of activities, but this year you need some rest and some quiet time. To sum up, plans are sometimes made to be changed and it’s not necessarily a bad thing though it might be uncomfortable and confronting for some.
Regarding planning holidays. It’s also worth paying attention to who is doing the planning and how it’s done. Here are some questions to ponder:
- Do you have a say in the planning and organisation or do you usually rally to whatever decision is made by, for example, whoever pays for the holidays?
- Is the plan genuinely in accordance with what you aspire to do, or is it informed by someone else’s needs, wants, decisions, agenda?
- Do you end up doing what you want or do you cave in to keep the peace, and to ‘not ruin it’ for everyone else?
- Do you ever feel that the plan is imposed on you and you end up feeling guilty for not speaking up and also resentful?
- By the end of the holidays, do you feel relieved to go home, for the kids to go back to school and the routine to resume or are you gutted that the marvellous holiday time is over?
- Does the execution of the holiday plan match what was actually announced? If not, why? E.g. You went to visit Rome with friends, you were so excited about it, but every lunch time choosing a place to eat that everyone agreed on was a nightmare. Also, you wanted to browse the streets and look at the architecture but all they wanted to see was the museums and you hate museums.
This brings me to briefly mention social pressure and norms. We are all over exposed to what other people do with their time, especially on holidays. We all have someone around us who can’t stop themselves from sharing a photo reportage of everywhere they go, what they eat, and so on. If you don’t care, then nothing more to add. But if at times, it gets on your nerves, I am not going to suggest unfollowing or muting them (mind you…), but at least to remind yourself not to compare. Being inspired by others is supposed to ignite a sense of expansion, new ideas and excitement. If instead it has you raise your eyebrows and roll our eyes, that isn’t inspiration. So go with what truly lights you up. I mean it. Unknowingly, we can so easily end up being influenced by people and things we see online all day which in reality have nothing to do with who we are and what we want. So I truly care when I write: to each their own. You do you. They do they.
To end this on a cheeky note which might make you cringe, here are my final reflection questions for you.
For your highest good:
- What are the things that you definitely won’t do this summer?
- What are you going to say no to this summer?
I wish you a wonderful summer time & holidays, on your own terms.
Main – Photo by Eric Nopanen on Unsplash
