When I lived in Australia, I remember attending a conference about ethics where one of the speakers explained that if you’d ask a crowd of people how many of them perceived or knew themselves as being good or bad people most, if not all, would respond that they’re “good” people.
Let’s consider the following questions:
- Are you the type of person who keeps his/her words and promises?
- Are you the type of person others can rely and count on?
- Are you trustworthy?
It’s worth noting that the context of the questions can be twofold: can you trust yourself and/or can others trust you? Irrespective of this, there are the answers you’d give about yourself and those that people in your life would give about you. You need to be aware they may not be the same.
One of the reasons for the discrepancy is that you judge yourselves by your intentions and others by their actions. And vice versa.
In reality actions aren’t that often accompanied with a clarification about our intentions, especially in a world where we’re encouraged not to justify ourselves. So your undisclosed intentions can easily lead to misrepresentation and misinterpretation of your actions. And vice versa.
It’s possible that there might be a gap between who you aspire to be (a trustworthy person) and who you are right now. It might also be that you don’t care about being trustworthy and that it isn’t important to you.
Let’s assume you’re someone who cares about being trustworthy. Have you ever asked yourself what makes you want to be trustworthy in the first place, since you aren’t born this way. Trustworthiness is an acquired principle and virtue that, at some point, you chose to adopt and apply to your life, to yourself and to others. I invite you to reflect on what made it so.
Trustworthiness is an acquired principle & virtue, that, at some point in your life, you chose to adopt to yourself and to others.
There is currently a phenomena which is widely discussed on social media, and that I have also heard from clients and even closed friends, where people share stories about planning and organising events (anything from baby shower, new year eve parties, to a simple brunch gathering with friends) where the guests, who had previously agreed to attend and participate, cancel at the very last minute or without a word, simply don’t show up.
So before we all scream about how rude and disrespectful this is, (and it is) let’s unpack. Anyone doing this to another person without a real and valid reason indicates a few things:
- They do not value the person and the relationship – we spend time, money and energy on what and whom we value.
- Something is more important to them than honouring their word, the person and the effort the host underwent to organise the event.
- They don’t believe there will be any negative consequences or retribution for their behaviour – in other words they do it because they feel they can.
- They do not think about or they underestimate the impact their behaviour has on the host and how it makes them feel – hurt, let down, disrespected, unimportant, rejected, etc.
The thing is, such behaviour is likely to forever alter the relationship and not in a good way. So why is it so widespread?
Do you think that each of these people will feel “bad” and will objectively recognise in themselves that, in this situation, they weren’t trustworthy, that they didn’t keep their word to their friend, that they behaved in a way that they would resent anyone doing the same to them? Do you think they’ll apologise and go the extra mile to repair the damage they’ve caused?
As we mature we understand that our actions or inactions, our words and our silences, have a tremendous impact on those around us.
Part of being an emotionally mature adult is to understand that we do have responsibilities and that we don’t always get to only do what we want, when we want it, with who we want. That is the mindset of a small child. As we mature we understand that our actions or inactions, our words and our silences, have a tremendous impact on those around us. It can build as much as it can destroy them. Moreover, as we grow older, we’re supposed to become aware of the importance of deep and meaningful relationships and what it takes to build them, to keep them, to nourish and cherish them. Even though they’re seasoned and we never know what’s the duration of each. Some will be short, some will last a lifetime.
It’s the beginning of January. If you were to take only one resolution that will serve you and the world in its entirety, become trustworthy and remember that it’s okay to make a little effort sometimes for those in your life who demonstrate how much they want you in theirs.
Main – Photo by Annie Spratt
