…or Do You Try to Do It All Yourself?
It seems that many people today are more isolated than in previous generations. Unlike in the past, people no longer tend to stay close to home or remain within their local communities.
Many of us move far away from family, friends, or even the country we grew up in, driven by work, relationships, or life choices. As local communities decline, our support networks often become more limited. This makes it much harder to ask for help when we need it, and we may end up feeling overwhelmed as we try to manage daily life on our own. But perhaps it’s time to rethink how we handle these struggles—not just for our own mental health but for the well-being of those around us as well. So, when the going gets tough, who can we turn to, and how do we go about asking for help?
Have you Asked for Help Recently?
Have you asked for help recently? Was it in the last few days or weeks? Who do you usually turn to for help? What kind of things do you typically ask for assistance with—just small, everyday tasks or something more significant? Personally, I tend to like doing things myself. I often think that I can do it quicker and better if I handle it alone. I take pride in being independent and capable, but there are times when I would actually be kinder to myself if I asked for help. Yet, this is something I still find difficult. I sometimes expect my friends to notice when I need help, thinking they should pick up on my cues. But of course, these cues are not always obvious, and perhaps that expectation is unfair. It can leave us feeling frustrated or disappointed when others don’t offer help, though the reality is that…
…we’re all caught up in our own lives…
…and people don’t always notice what others need—often without any ill intent.
Maybe the answer lies in being more transparent. Instead of expecting others to read our minds, we could try simply telling them how we feel and what we need. We might be surprised at how willing people are to help when they know what’s going on. By being more open, we might all become more sensitive to each other’s needs, leading to a greater sense of community and more mutual sharing of responsibilities and stress.
The Difficulty of Reaching Out
Asking for help within the home is one thing, but reaching out to people outside of this environment can be much harder. We don’t want to feel like a burden to others, so we often choose to push through on our own. But the truth is humans have a fundamental need to feel connected to a social community and to belong. Without these connections, we risk poor health and loss of well-being[1]. Research shows that deeper, more meaningful relationships lead to greater happiness and life satisfaction[2]. From a young age, children show a desire to help and be helped. Even at just two years old, children display empathy[3], and by the age of five, they care deeply about what others think of them[4]. This instinct to support others—whether family, friends, or even strangers—is part of what makes us human. Helping others provides a sense of purpose, and by asking for help, we allow others to feel good about themselves, too.
Gender Differences & Emotional Needs in Seeking Help
Gender plays a significant role in how we seek help. Women, for example, are often more likely to reach out for support, primarily because they tend to form close emotional bonds with other women and are generally more open about their feelings. In contrast…
…men have historically embraced a more independent, “macho” role…
…which can make it harder for them to admit when they need help. However, research suggests that if men had the same types of close, supportive relationships that women tend to form, they might seek help just as often[5b]. It’s not necessarily a matter of gender but rather the kind of relationships that foster emotional openness.
Asking for help is not only about addressing a practical need; it also signals to others that we are in need of social connection and emotional support [6]. Reaching out acknowledges our emotional needs and helps regulate them, which can lead to a more balanced emotional state. This is particularly important for children and adolescents. Studies show that children who receive autonomy support—the freedom to express their needs and emotions—develop stronger emotional regulation skills. The ability to manage intense emotions is especially important during adolescence, a time when emotions can feel overwhelming and hard to navigate. When we receive support during challenges, it reduces our perceived stress, enabling us to approach problems more effectively.
A strong support network is crucial in shaping how we perceive & cope with stress.
Simply knowing that we have loving relationships with family and friends can greatly reduce stress and anxiety, while fostering positive emotions that make it easier to cope with everyday challenges. Feeling supported plays a key role in maintaining our well-being, and the comfort of knowing resources are available when needed is incredibly beneficial for mental health.
The Role of Identity in Asking for Help
Returning to the theme of independence, it’s worth considering how our sense of identity affects our ability to ask for and accept help. If you identify as a “bootstrapper”—someone who believes that success depends on doing everything yourself—you may feel threatened by the idea of accepting help. For these individuals, asking for help can feel like a loss of control or a challenge to their self-image. This mindset can lead to burnout, anxiety, and avoidance behaviours[5], particularly if they never allow themselves to lean on others.
It’s essential that people with this kind of mindset are in environments that foster autonomy while also encouraging help-seeking. In healthcare, for example, patients need to feel that they have the freedom to choose their own treatment options, even if those options are based on medical recommendations. This approach helps build trust between caregivers and patients, which is likely to improve overall outcomes. Autonomy—especially the ability to make informed choices—can help people feel more in control of their emotional and physical health, which in turn makes them more likely to accept help[4].
Strengthening Relationships by Asking for Help
Asking for help can actually strengthen relationships. When you lower your guard and allow someone to assist you, it creates an opportunity for greater emotional connection. The closer the relationship, the more likely both parties are to invest in it. Interestingly, people are often more willing to help when the request feels voluntary, rather than forced[6].
However, it’s also important to note that some individuals may feel worse about themselves if the help they receive exceeds their expectations. This could create a sense of inadequacy or indebtedness, particularly if they feel unable to repay the favour. But perhaps the true benefit lies in recognising how much you are giving to the person who helps you. By asking for help, you are showing that you trust them and believe they are capable, which can enhance their self-esteem as well.
Altruism, Self-Interest, & the Power of Volunteering
Humans are inherently capable of altruism—helping others simply because we care about their well-being. This selfless desire to assist has been observed across all cultures and age groups. [7] However, help is not always purely altruistic; it can also be driven by self-interest. People sometimes help others to alleviate their own distress or fulfill personal needs. This “egoistic” motivation can make those who need help hesitant to ask, fearing that the offer of assistance may be more about the helper’s emotional relief or benefit than a genuine desire to help[8],[9].
Volunteering, in particular, offers an opportunity to help others without expectation of reciprocation. Volunteers often experience a strong sense of community and fulfillment, which goes beyond simply fulfilling an obligation. While some may volunteer for career benefits or networking opportunities, long-term volunteers report greater life satisfaction and improved health[10]. Studies show that adults who volunteer regularly tend to live longer, healthier lives compared to those who don’t. 6
Volunteering also has a significant impact on adolescents.
Research suggests that young people who engage in community service are less likely to engage in risky behaviours…
like drinking, smoking, or crime. They also tend to perform better academically and are less likely to experience unwanted pregnancies. By providing structure, purpose, and opportunities for connection, volunteering helps adolescents build stronger emotional and social skills, shaping them into more empathetic and well-rounded individuals[6].
