How Do You React When You’re Offended?
How do you react when you’re offended by something someone says or does? How do you respond to them? Do you distance yourself? Let’s sit with this question for a while…
In this age of serious world issues and catastrophes, I don’t believe we can afford to remain offended in our personal lives for too long…
Our priorities will need to change, or we could burn out fast!
In the interest of conserving our energy for such things as maintaining our health and sanity, staying grounded for our loved ones, and supporting those with greater needs than ourselves, I want to talk about some mature and healthy options for when someone has offended you. I see about four steps:
1. Look Closely At Your Reaction
Examine what has occurred as objectively as you can, and examine how you really feel. I suggest you write it all down with as much honesty as you can muster. Whatever your feelings, express them in safe ways.
If you’re genuinely in pain, acknowledge your hurt and anger to someone you trust. *Few people can admit their anger, but it is real, and it is human.* When suppressed, anger becomes bitterness. Bitterness is like a cancer that eats away at whoever is feeling it while doing nothing to solve the relationship issue. Anger can be written out, danced out, walked out, cried and screamed out, stomped out, drawn out, painted out, pounded into pillows, sung out, and simply owned—i.e. talked about honestly.
2. Sit With Your Truth
Give yourself space to digest and accept your perspective. Allow time for the acceptance to settle in. Go and sit by a river or under a tree, preferably somewhere with a view.
Done with compassion for yourself (not to be confused with self-pity), this should bring you a sense of peace.
3. Seek To Understand, If You’re Able
Try to imagine what was happening for the person who has offended you—just within your own thoughts at first. Speculate…
One of my teachers said that almost 95 percent of the time we are NOT in the present moment. So when someone pushes our buttons, we’re probably projecting an experience from the past onto this person, here and now. When we’re triggered—even when we’re not—we’re projecting so much onto the other that it’s possible we’ve missed some context about them.
It’s quite rare that we clearly SEE the person in front of us.
Typically, we have associations with everyone we meet, so we project, positively or negatively, onto them.
Back to the offender. Are you somehow inextricably linked? If the answer is that they are going to remain in your life, here are some things to consider:
- Are they usually offensive?
- Do they have trouble with boundaries?
- Do they mean it?
- Are they neurodivergent?
- Do they come from a different culture, generation, or life experience?
- Have they suffered any significant trauma that you know of?
- What are their circumstances of late?
- Are they under a lot of stress?
This does not necessarily excuse their behaviour, and you have every right to set boundaries with people in your life. However:
Can you wonder why they’ve done what they’ve done (or failed to do) that offended you?
Even if it’s challenging, can you put yourself in their shoes? Do you believe they meant to hurt you? If this has happened before with this person, are you interpreting their motives correctly? Could you consider asking them what their intentions were?
Take your time…
These world wars, that are becoming so scary for us all right now, often started with some misinterpretation based on a projection onto the other person or people.
Of course, some people are brutal, callous, selfish and… even evil…
I’m not talking about monstrously behaved lunatics who inflict real harm. We’re discussing regular folks in your personal life. Is their offending behaviour unforgivable? Perhaps it is. Only you know the answer.
We can’t always be at our best. Many of us are wounded or struggling or going through a rough patch.
Remember, our goal here is for you to stay balanced, not bitter.
4. Look Closer At Them
Imagine asking how their life is going. Can you picture yourself telling them how you felt when they committed the offence, and what you would like to have happen? Could you share the story you were making up about why they did what they did? Could you tell them that before you conclude that their intentions were to hurt you, you’re ready to check your assumptions, to see if you were correct?
If you feel ready (this will likely feel vulnerable but shouldn’t feel unsafe), could you seek to understand by asking them to explain where they were coming from?
However misguided, clumsy or dysregulated they may be… we can become more curious and compassionate about the folks who are basically on our side and have our best interests at heart.
Our lives and our world could be more peaceful if more of us practised self-examination, skilled communication, and curiosity.
“The moment you step into somebody else’s universe, you’re putting yourself in that place of uncertainty…in which you have to be open to the possibility of learning something different or feeling something different. I think that is where hope is.“
~ Cristina Pato
All photos by Catriona O’Curry
