The Path to Authentic Connection
Everyone seeks intimate, deep, loving relationships, but it is very rarely found if we exclude the phase of falling in love.
Functioning programs in emotional relationships:
- Functioning programs in emotional relationships have developed through the earliest experiences when the brain was engaged in learning about the world and itself.
- They are based on bonding experiences with caregivers (by mother) and enable the child to anticipate future relationships and function in lifelong emotional relationships.
- Functioning programs in emotional relationships contain emotions, subconscious beliefs, expectations, unconscious strategies and interpretation of information (perception).
- It is the memory of the attachment experience (body memory) that we stored in implicit memory and we repeat it through life, because we only know that state and those stored patterns are our only “normal” functioning.
Typical adult attachment styles:
- The rejecting type feels good and unattached and wants independence or a superficial relationship.
- A needy type is too engaged and preoccupied with close relationships and his inner state depends on acceptance by the other, he wants to be very close to his partner and unconsciously fears that his partner will leave.
- The shy type wants closeness, but he is unconsciously very afraid because he is expecting repetition of rejection, therefore does not trust others and does not give in in relationships.
- The secure type has a positive image of himself and others and has close friends relationships in which he does not lose autonomy. (mostly safe)
How Integral Body Therapy Can Help?
I will observe your attachment in the relationships and the ways you maintain them, but most importantly, I will observe your body language and stored body memory regarding the idea of connection and closeness. Slowly, with an individualised personal approach, we will explore your body memory, conscious, subconscious, and unconscious mind together
We are going to explore your emotionally important experiences that remain engraved in the unconscious, forming the structure and functionality of your body, your inner emotional world and unconscious beliefs that throughout your life determine your way of perceiving, reacting, thinking, behaving and deciding and determining the quality of your relationships.
My Story
On the outside, I was always seemingly and precedingly happy. I was the loudest, the happiest at the parties. I was brave, and fast and furious. I had many friends, from different walks of life. I was able to deal with anything that life had to offer, in a loud and (very) direct way. My system did not know any boundaries, I was unstoppable. But, my power and fearlessness was fuelled by substance abuse. All of my relationships took a lot of energy for me to expose myself, to interact and to be that person, fearless and unstoppable. But at home, my mind would play games.
All my interactions had a story in my mind, a story that was triggered by my insecurities, projections and low self-esteem. Why did she/he say this, why he/she did or did not this or that, and most importantly a constant question of what is wrong with me. That spiral was endless, and inside I felt alone longing for something, (read: real connection) unknown to me. My feet were always cold, my hands were always cold, I was systematically always in a freeze mode because I perceived connections and relationships a real danger for my system. The reality (unknown to me at the time) was that I was afraid to be close to people, so an apprehension with loudness was my defensive mechanism. My failure to achieve good connection would take me to obtain regulation from the outside, hence emotional unsustainability.
Relationships in my family were disorganised. Closeness, warm fulfilling hugs, and expression of love were not present most of the time. Of course, we loved each other on some level, but none of us knew how to feel that love, let alone express it, share it, give it, and enjoy it. Authenticity and warmth were alien to our circle of love. My heart was closed, compassion was a distant fairy tale story – a story that would bring distrust into the world and even fear for my system.
Today (after many years of therapy) I am aware, I feel my inner story. I am able to allow myself to feel, and fearlessly express my feelings within the awareness of the boundaries of my own and other’s possibilities. I do not need loudness to be heard. I am still building a gentle hearing, it takes a fine tuning in to enable my system to hear gentle expression, to feel the particulars of the warm energetic components, to trust.
The scar will still need some time to heal, but I feel the feelings which gives me an opportunity to tap into the gentle and authentic (now I am learning it is my core) essence of existence. My relationships are now built on trust, expression and sensibility. Tears of happiness, compassion and warm hugs is now my new norm. My new found love for myself and people keeps growing within me.
*Please be aware that this is just a small fraction of my personal story. There are many layers and the possibilities for the individual dive into the subject.
Main – Photo by Suzana Zalokar
