How often do you get up in the morning & start the day in the same way?
Toast, a cup of tea, or maybe you are more into cereal and coffee… Without even thinking, you pull out the bits and pieces you need for your breakfast from the cupboard. You don’t question any of your actions; it’s just what you do. Now, imagine for a moment that you could choose to have anything you like. Take a minute before you put the kettle on to prepare a hot drink and consider what your options are: coffee, tea, a range of juices, water, soft drinks – heck, you could even choose to have champagne!
Breakfast suddenly becomes a lot more fun, even if you stick with your usual menu. Just the thought that you could make different or even silly choices is amusing.
Many of my clients feel at some point that they don’t have a choice—not about breakfast, but in their relationships, friendships, work, you name it. There are many reasons why they think they can’t make certain changes, and some of those reasons even sound very convincing. Not feeling able to make different choices makes them feel they are not in control of their own situation; hence, they struggle to feel content and satisfied. This often leaves them feeling powerless and low.
To point out that there always is a choice, I often use the following example: “I need to get to work, so I have to put fuel in the car. I have no other choice.” You feel a bit moody about this because of the cost of fuel and the inconvenience of having to spend the time to go to the petrol station. Actually, you do have a choice besides putting fuel in the car—you have a few, in fact. You can choose to walk, to use public transport, to ride your bike, to call a taxi, to ask a colleague for a lift. You can even choose to not go to work at all and stay home for the day.
Those are all options.
You might not like the consequences of some of these options, or the cost, or the time and energy investment that is required, but they are choices nevertheless. If, after weighing up all your options, you still choose to fill up the car, you will notice that you are less moody about it. You feel more in control and therefore more content.
“That’s all very good and well, Rafaël,” my clients say, “but I can’t choose the way I look, or what happens in the world around me. I can’t choose what other people do or don’t do.” And that is very true, of course. But you can choose how you respond, who you spend time with, and how you manage your life in this ever-changing and sometimes confusing world.
“But I am who I am and respond the way I do because my parents taught me this way or because of all the stuff that happened in my childhood.” While this might all be very true, you now have the choice to stick with your usual responses, habits, and patterns or to change them. If a response or pattern is useful, by all means, keep at it. When it is no longer helpful, however, you have the choice to change it. Think about it like quitting an addiction: it seems almost impossible at first to give up alcohol or nicotine, but after making a conscious choice to never touch that stuff again, and with some resilience and strong will, you can do it. So many people have and do it every day.
If you choose not to do anything about the situation that bothers you, it is quite possible that you may start feeling stuck, unhappy, and maybe even depressed. In the meantime, life keeps going on around you, and others can make choices that might affect you yet again. So try to take a step back, have a look at your options. Sometimes there aren’t many, but even if there is only one other option, you still have a choice. This realisation – that you always have a choice – is quite liberating. It gives you a sense of control over the direction you take in life. Whether it is which drink you will have with breakfast, whether you stay in your current job, or whether you keep investing in a friendship or romantic relationship, you choose and therefore decide your future, sometimes for a few moments, sometimes for a prolonged period.
It can seem a bit scary to suddenly take the reins over your life in areas where you didn’t think you had any choice before and to have to consider the consequences of different choices. So maybe start carefully; make some small changes that don’t impact your daily life too drastically yet. Think about as many options as you can imagine for that one situation and pick the one that suits you best. You will probably immediately feel a sense of success, of achievement, and control. It is quite likely you will start thinking more creatively too!
Even choosing to have juice instead of coffee with breakfast can be empowering.
Imagine how it can feel if you get around to changing the bigger stuff.
Main – Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash
