Difficult communication with teenagers is often a cause of stress and conflict in families. Many parents struggle with ‘getting through’ to their children and feel they have no idea what is going on with them—they don’t even recognise the child they once felt so close to.
During adolescence, a lot of change takes place for teenagers. They strive for independence, shape their own ideas, values, and worldviews, which might no longer align with those of their parents.
They challenge boundaries & experiment with the thin line between childhood & adulthood.
As parents, we know all this. We know that our kids are going through a lot of change, but we need to recognise that we are part of that process too and that we might need to change with them.
“They just don’t listen” and “It is impossible to make them do something” are common complaints from parents. Meanwhile, teenagers often feel that parents talk at them and have no understanding of who they are or what is important to them.
Changing the way you communicate might help both parties relax and move closer together again, without jeopardising the teenager’s quest for independence.
A big part of successful communication in all situations is listening. Try to listen more than you speak, and avoid making assumptions. Rather than telling them what to do, how to behave, or what to think (because, let’s face it, what do we know about anything, really?), ask questions. Instead of saying, “I don’t think James is a good influence; you should stop hanging out with him,” try asking, “Do you feel James is a good friend to you? Does he invest as much in you as you do in him?” By asking questions instead of offering opinions, you encourage your teenager to come up with the answers themselves—even if it takes more time. Have conversations rather than sermons.
Teenagers often withdraw from family life; they have a ton of other, more important things to do—school, hanging out with friends, and various interests—and they nest in their rooms. They need their own space, and as parents, we need to respect that and give them privacy. So, it is important to make time for them when they are around. Show an interest in their life, their friends, their music, and the games they enjoy.
If they feel seen and heard, they are far more likely to want to connect.
Negative communication is the source of many conflicts between parents and their teenagers. What we intend as helpful advice or motivation is often perceived as criticism simply because of how we frame it. We are told we are nagging or yelling, and both parties feel unheard and upset. It is nearly impossible to have a constructive conversation this way.
To stay out of this negative cycle, include your child in finding a solution. Ask them how they want to communicate and when they want to have a conversation—sometimes postponing it allows both parties more time to reflect and calm down. You can also ask them to come up with solutions or an approach to the issue at hand. Being involved rather than being told what to do gives them agency and that sense of independence they so badly need.
We also need to be able to agree to disagree.
It is okay to feel differently about many things and to have different ideas and values. You can disagree while still respecting their views. Compromise on previous house rules as they grow older—ask them what they think would be reasonable and try to meet each other halfway rather than setting ultimatums. Show them where they can make their own choices, and teach them that choice comes with responsibility. “Yes, you can choose to do this a certain way, but be aware that the consequence will be…” Allow them to make mistakes. We all want to protect our children from getting hurt or making mistakes, but by allowing them to learn from their own experiences, we teach them that they don’t need to be perfect. Life throws us curveballs, and they will learn that they can manage, repair, or move on after making a wrong choice. This builds their confidence but, most importantly, reinforces that they can be their own person and become independent.
Humour in conversation can be very helpful too—don’t take it all too seriously. However, sarcasm or cynicism is often not appreciated and rarely helpful.
Last but not least is our body language. Huffing and puffing, rolling our eyes, squaring up to them, or raising our voice creates distance. It builds the walls we already feel we can’t penetrate as parents. So even when it is difficult, or you feel upset, frustrated, or irritated, try not to raise your voice—speak calmly, even if they shout. Tell them how you feel, and allow them to do the same. If things get heated, take a break and try again when everyone has cooled down.
Of course, there is no one-size-fits-all method for successful communication with teenagers. It will be trial and error, like many parenting skills. Every child is different, and every situation varies. However, making it a cooperation rather than a dictatorship is already a massive step towards success. As parents, our needs—whether for peace of mind or for their well-being—are important, but we must learn that their needs as young adults deserve the same respect that we feel our own needs deserve.
By adapting to new communication styles, we grow up together.
Main – Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash
