How do relationships breakdown?
Rollie and Duck’s model of breakdown (1999) explains why relationships break down by stages:
Stage one: An increase in dissatisfaction within the relationship starts. If this escalates, we move to the next level.
Stage two: Internally we begin to focus on our partner’s faults. The moment we start seeing faults within our partner we unconsciously start to compare them to other people. It is likely that we become resentful and become socially withdrawn, from others but more so from our partners.
Stage three: At this stage a conversation is had. If it is constructive the issues can become resolved, if it is destructive, the relationship may come to an end.
I feel that a ‘Water Bottle Analogy’ conversation should be had even before it reaches stage three. Although as humans we fall into the trap of ‘I should….’. The moment you hear yourself say ‘I should…’ you are denying how you really feel. If something bothers you, talk about it. It is ok to feel and then express emotions. You will find that on most occasions the simple expression of these emotions allows the energy to naturally release itself. (Louise Hay)
Ladies, believe me, at the heart of each man is also an insecure boy. According to the evolutionary explanation of relationship breakdown, they too can feel threatened and whenever we feel threatened, it is ‘Fight or Flight’. Fight to men looks like anger and rage, flight means breaking up. If a man feels threatened he may increase his emotional commitment to his partner. ‘Marry me or else’. A women thinks that the more a male shares his resources (finances/ gifts) with her, the more emotionally committed he is. Is this why men buy flowers and gifts to ‘make up’ after a fight? Alternatively, if they feel threatened they are likely to become promiscuous so that they may have a replacement mate quickly after.
Another evolutionary explanation says that men and women are hardwired differently, in that men need to feel respected and women secure. And it is almost like they are in constant conflict with the flight or fight instinct of the other to feel worthy. A man sits in front of the TV to have some down time (It is important for a man to centre himself in his ‘cave’ on his own). A women comes to talk to him because she wants to share her day. The man is tired and asks her to leave. She feels rejected and doesn’t feel very secure. A man tells a story and naturally doesn’t remember as many details as a woman, the moment a woman corrects him he feels disrespected and not good enough. That which comes naturally to the other sex almost seems to conflict with the other. Could this be the same with sex? A man needs to have sex to feel connected and a women needs to feel connected to their partner in order to have sex. Could we be designed any more differently?
